I have been too busy to have time for grieving right now. Margaret is still in the hospital and will be for another week.
Last Tuesday I went to family court about the Grandsons and imagine my surprise when Margaret and I were awarded full custody of all three of them. This past week has been full of loving and trying to avert their fears of being taken again. There is so much healing to do and I am busy arranging required counseling and other services and also school registration
I have found a Blog that has some profound things to say about Life and I hope that you will visit it.
Blessings to all,
John
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
What is going on
On Friday DSS brought Billy out to the house for a visit. his caseworker and the Guardian Ad Litem were also there and had a lot of questions for me. Billy spent most of the time with his Uncle Wayne so that we could talk.
I can't draw any conclusions from the conversation but I have a positive feeling at this point.
Margret is doing well now and has been upgraded from critical to fair condition. She is looking good and is rational. I no longer have fears about her recovery. It is just something that can't be rushed.
I have been so busy and confused with everything that has been happening that I have almost forgotten about grieving. I have just realized that I am no longer numb and I don't feel guilty about what has happened. I have done the best that I have been able to do an I am not responsible for the events leading to our situation in any way.
That alone is a great step forward and I am sleeping better and no longer feel exhausted.
With Love and Blsessings to All,
John
I can't draw any conclusions from the conversation but I have a positive feeling at this point.
Margret is doing well now and has been upgraded from critical to fair condition. She is looking good and is rational. I no longer have fears about her recovery. It is just something that can't be rushed.
I have been so busy and confused with everything that has been happening that I have almost forgotten about grieving. I have just realized that I am no longer numb and I don't feel guilty about what has happened. I have done the best that I have been able to do an I am not responsible for the events leading to our situation in any way.
That alone is a great step forward and I am sleeping better and no longer feel exhausted.
With Love and Blsessings to All,
John
Confusion
When something life changing happens we often think that things come in threes whether they be good or bad. There is nothing wrong with this thinking but sometimes it gets in the way of rational thought.
on Wednesday evening Margaret took a turn for the worse and I called the ambulance. It was determined that she had a systemic infection (the cause is still unknown) that was shutting down her kidneys and her potassium level was dangerously high. She was placed on Life support and placed in the Medical ICU.
She is doing well now although it was touch and go for a while.
This is where rational thought is needed.
1. The murders were the factor that caused the real emotional confusion.
2. Margaret had been ill since before Christmas.
3. The loss of her leg had nothing to do with the murders.
4. The recent crisis had nothing to do with the murders.
It is so easy to get caught up in the speed that things happen that we can loose sight of the fact that each thing is a thing unto itself and not connected to any other thing that is going on. Yes things happen but there is seldom a connection between them.
Grief is the strongest of the emotions and may be the most crippling if not worked through. It is so easy to get stuck on the anger / guilt stage and to have to live with it the rest of your life.
We need to understand the stages (I have mentioned them before) of grief and to take them as they occur. You may not be out of one stage when the next stage starts so you need to be able to see the transition starting.
If we remember that things are not always connected and separate the emotions that they cause it will not be so confusing or overwhelming.
Love to all,
John
on Wednesday evening Margaret took a turn for the worse and I called the ambulance. It was determined that she had a systemic infection (the cause is still unknown) that was shutting down her kidneys and her potassium level was dangerously high. She was placed on Life support and placed in the Medical ICU.
She is doing well now although it was touch and go for a while.
This is where rational thought is needed.
1. The murders were the factor that caused the real emotional confusion.
2. Margaret had been ill since before Christmas.
3. The loss of her leg had nothing to do with the murders.
4. The recent crisis had nothing to do with the murders.
It is so easy to get caught up in the speed that things happen that we can loose sight of the fact that each thing is a thing unto itself and not connected to any other thing that is going on. Yes things happen but there is seldom a connection between them.
Grief is the strongest of the emotions and may be the most crippling if not worked through. It is so easy to get stuck on the anger / guilt stage and to have to live with it the rest of your life.
We need to understand the stages (I have mentioned them before) of grief and to take them as they occur. You may not be out of one stage when the next stage starts so you need to be able to see the transition starting.
If we remember that things are not always connected and separate the emotions that they cause it will not be so confusing or overwhelming.
Love to all,
John
Thursday, July 22, 2010
April 18, 2010
Sunday morning and I woke up in Margaret's room in the hospital. Billy had slept on the second bed and I had slept on the padded window sill (six feet long.) It took a few minutes to realize that it was real and part of our family had been murdered.
The hospital provided Billy and I meals and everyone was very good to us. The story had been on the news and the day was taken up with visits from Church members and teachers from Billy and Ryan's school. Laurie, Joey, their two girls, Frankie and Ryan also came to visit so the day was very full and we didn't have time to think. By the time everyone had left we were exhausted. Since Billy had to go to school the next day, we were all in bed by 10:00 PM
I didn't know then that I would not sleep as well as I had the night before.
Love and Blessing to all,
John
The hospital provided Billy and I meals and everyone was very good to us. The story had been on the news and the day was taken up with visits from Church members and teachers from Billy and Ryan's school. Laurie, Joey, their two girls, Frankie and Ryan also came to visit so the day was very full and we didn't have time to think. By the time everyone had left we were exhausted. Since Billy had to go to school the next day, we were all in bed by 10:00 PM
I didn't know then that I would not sleep as well as I had the night before.
Love and Blessing to all,
John
Saturday, July 17, 2010
The First Day
The After telling Margaret what had happened I spent most of the day trying to console her and contacting friends. A detective from the Sheriffs department came and talked to Margaret and I and we told him what little we knew or suspected.
The Department of Social Services (DSS) called and told us that the Grandchildren would be placed with their Aunt and Uncle since the killer was unknown at that time.
The hospital administration told me that I should stay with Margaret as long as necessary and that they would provide me with meals.
At five PM DSS called and asked me to meet them with Aunt Laurie and Uncle Joey.
Billy and Ryan were brought to the meeting place (Frankie was already with Laurie and Joey). After a couple of hours we were allowed to leave and Billy asked if he could stay with Margaret and I. Laurie and Joey had no objections so we all went back to the hospital to see Margaret. When they left, Billy stayed with us.
I had been so busy that I had little time to grieve and I was so tired that sleep came easily.
That was the last good nights sleep that I was to have for some time.
Love and Blessings to all,
John
The Department of Social Services (DSS) called and told us that the Grandchildren would be placed with their Aunt and Uncle since the killer was unknown at that time.
The hospital administration told me that I should stay with Margaret as long as necessary and that they would provide me with meals.
At five PM DSS called and asked me to meet them with Aunt Laurie and Uncle Joey.
Billy and Ryan were brought to the meeting place (Frankie was already with Laurie and Joey). After a couple of hours we were allowed to leave and Billy asked if he could stay with Margaret and I. Laurie and Joey had no objections so we all went back to the hospital to see Margaret. When they left, Billy stayed with us.
I had been so busy that I had little time to grieve and I was so tired that sleep came easily.
That was the last good nights sleep that I was to have for some time.
Love and Blessings to all,
John
Friday, July 9, 2010
Quickly going through the steps of Grief
On May 17 I said that I could step through the grieving process so that I could be useful to myself and others. It is just a matter of realizing that there are four steps and then going through them one at a time. It does take practice to do it rapidly. This is the way that I do it.
1. The shock and denial stage is overcome by forcing yourself to say that this has happened and I have to accept it so that I can accomplish the things that must be done. I can come back later and think about events that have occurred.
2. Anger and questioning is set aside by telling yourself that you don't have time right now to to get angry and that it will accomplish nothing so I will save it for later. I have no time for what if I had done this since right now I HAVE to do this.
3. Depression is something that I have no time for since important things have to be done now. These things have to be done by me since they are my responsibility.
4. I have to accept the reality since I know in my heart that it is true and these things have to be done and arrangements have to be made.
At this point You will be able to operate on a functional level as long as you have things to do. When you have idol time you will find yourself slipping back to stage one.
The more often that you do this the easier it gets and it shortens the grief process a great deal.
An important point that I want to make here is that sharing your feelings with others is a great help since at first we each feel that we are totally alone with our grief. It is amazing just how many people you will meet who have had or are going through something similar. Many of them will tell you that your sharing has helped them with issues that they have been unable to resolve.
Love and Strength to all,
John
1. The shock and denial stage is overcome by forcing yourself to say that this has happened and I have to accept it so that I can accomplish the things that must be done. I can come back later and think about events that have occurred.
2. Anger and questioning is set aside by telling yourself that you don't have time right now to to get angry and that it will accomplish nothing so I will save it for later. I have no time for what if I had done this since right now I HAVE to do this.
3. Depression is something that I have no time for since important things have to be done now. These things have to be done by me since they are my responsibility.
4. I have to accept the reality since I know in my heart that it is true and these things have to be done and arrangements have to be made.
At this point You will be able to operate on a functional level as long as you have things to do. When you have idol time you will find yourself slipping back to stage one.
The more often that you do this the easier it gets and it shortens the grief process a great deal.
An important point that I want to make here is that sharing your feelings with others is a great help since at first we each feel that we are totally alone with our grief. It is amazing just how many people you will meet who have had or are going through something similar. Many of them will tell you that your sharing has helped them with issues that they have been unable to resolve.
Love and Strength to all,
John
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Life Is Like a Jungle
On April 18, 2010 just two days after the murders Billy and I were staying at the hospital with Margaret. It was about 11 PM and Billy and Margaret were asleep and I was just sitting there feeling very empty. While I was sitting there I wrote this.
Life is like a jungle I have often herd it said
Full of wild creatures that fill you full of dread
There are lions, Tigers, wolves, spiders, lots of nasty snakes
All kinds of scary creatures that give us all the shakes
But the jungle just like life has orchids, funny monkeys and giraffes
Birds of amazing beauty, lots of things that bring out laughs
Sometimes I have to remind myself and I remind you too
That how we perceive our lives depends on point of view
Life is like a jungle I have often herd it said
Full of wild creatures that fill you full of dread
There are lions, Tigers, wolves, spiders, lots of nasty snakes
All kinds of scary creatures that give us all the shakes
But the jungle just like life has orchids, funny monkeys and giraffes
Birds of amazing beauty, lots of things that bring out laughs
Sometimes I have to remind myself and I remind you too
That how we perceive our lives depends on point of view
Dealing with grief
I have been having computer problems and I am sorry that it has taken me so long to get back to this.
No matter what the cause is, the grieving process takes a general form.
1. Shock and denial. The feeling that this can't be happening to me, this is not real, it is all a bad dream.
2. Anger and questioning. We have lost something of value and we are angry and then we start to ask "what if I had done this or that." or "why didn't I see this coming." This questioning can often lead to guilt, "I could or should have done this or that."
3. Depression. Even if we do not feel excessive guilt, we experience a feeling of depression for we have lost something of value.
4. Acceptance of reality. We realize that the event has taken place and nothing can change it. At this point the real healing begins to take place.
My sister and I were discussing this on the phone the other day (she lives 1000 miles away) and she told me that where she works the company issues mechanical pencils which are colored black but since she prefers red, she buys her own and when she loses one she feels all of the steps above for a brief time.
We all handle these steps in our own way but each of us go through the four steps after any loss. The greater the loss and the more unexpected it is, the stronger the feelings.
No matter what the cause is, the grieving process takes a general form.
1. Shock and denial. The feeling that this can't be happening to me, this is not real, it is all a bad dream.
2. Anger and questioning. We have lost something of value and we are angry and then we start to ask "what if I had done this or that." or "why didn't I see this coming." This questioning can often lead to guilt, "I could or should have done this or that."
3. Depression. Even if we do not feel excessive guilt, we experience a feeling of depression for we have lost something of value.
4. Acceptance of reality. We realize that the event has taken place and nothing can change it. At this point the real healing begins to take place.
My sister and I were discussing this on the phone the other day (she lives 1000 miles away) and she told me that where she works the company issues mechanical pencils which are colored black but since she prefers red, she buys her own and when she loses one she feels all of the steps above for a brief time.
We all handle these steps in our own way but each of us go through the four steps after any loss. The greater the loss and the more unexpected it is, the stronger the feelings.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Update on Margaret
I have had a busy week and have not had time for emotions. Margaret went back to the hospital on the seventh and had her right leg amputated below the knee on the tenth. I will work on catching this up this week as I have a lot to say about the grieving process.
Love to All,
John
Love to All,
John
Saturday, June 5, 2010
More on the hardedest thing
After Margaret had been asleep for half an hour I went outside to have a smoke break. I try not to smoke much but I just had to have a break just then.
As I left the room one of the women in the room across the hall called me. I had met them casually, seeing them every day when I went to visit Margaret. She said that she had herd Margaret cry out and asked what was wrong. When I told them the other lady told me that she had lost a cousin to murder many years ago and they had never caught the killer.
I know that murder happens every day but I had never met a survivor before and felt that we were all alone with our feelings and anger. This lady was the first angel in that God had placed her where I could meet her at my lowest point and learn that we were not alone in the suffering that we were going through. Here was someone who could really understand.
The conversation that I had with these women was the first step in handling my personal grief. This is when I realized that there were many people going through the same thing and that opening up to others might help them though the struggle that they were having. I also realized that by telling what I was going through would Provide me with an outlet that might keep me from going crazy.
As I left the room one of the women in the room across the hall called me. I had met them casually, seeing them every day when I went to visit Margaret. She said that she had herd Margaret cry out and asked what was wrong. When I told them the other lady told me that she had lost a cousin to murder many years ago and they had never caught the killer.
I know that murder happens every day but I had never met a survivor before and felt that we were all alone with our feelings and anger. This lady was the first angel in that God had placed her where I could meet her at my lowest point and learn that we were not alone in the suffering that we were going through. Here was someone who could really understand.
The conversation that I had with these women was the first step in handling my personal grief. This is when I realized that there were many people going through the same thing and that opening up to others might help them though the struggle that they were having. I also realized that by telling what I was going through would Provide me with an outlet that might keep me from going crazy.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
What can happen next?
My computer has been down and I have been unable to post until now. Margaret and I have been busy sorting out things that got neglected while she was in the hospital and arrangements were being made for Sue and Maggie. This has helped keep our minds occupied and has given us some stability.
On May 28 DSS removed our grandsons and we don't know why at this time. My wife and I were beginning to get a handle on our grief and this move sent us into a tailspin and it was so hard to remain positive. I found a movie named May you be blessed and I have a link to it on the right side of the Blog. This movie is a very positive reminder that God is in control and there is hope.
Please watch it as I am sure that you will enjoy it and find hope in it.
Bless you all,
John
On May 28 DSS removed our grandsons and we don't know why at this time. My wife and I were beginning to get a handle on our grief and this move sent us into a tailspin and it was so hard to remain positive. I found a movie named May you be blessed and I have a link to it on the right side of the Blog. This movie is a very positive reminder that God is in control and there is hope.
Please watch it as I am sure that you will enjoy it and find hope in it.
Bless you all,
John
Sunday, May 23, 2010
The most difficult thing that I have ever done
I really don't remember the forty minute drive to the hospital; my only thoughts had been about what I had to do now. How do you tell a woman that she had just lost her oldest daughter and only granddaughter to senseless violence. Not only was Margaret a woman, mother and grandmother she was also my wife, best friend, my only love and my soul-mate.
I put on the most positive mood that I could and stepped through the door into Margaret's room and the nurse waited outside the door. With a big smile I said "Good morning Love, how are you this morning?"
Margaret replied "I am fine but I just had the strangest phone call. Joan (Remember this name it is important) called and asked how I was and I told her that I was fine and asked how she was and she said "I'm fine but things are really mixed up in the neighborhood this morning" but she sounded like something was wrong and didn't talk long.
I thought that Joan knew what had happened and had been trying to find out if Margaret knew. I will always be grateful that she didn't say why the neighborhood was mixed up. As much as I hated it it was my place to tell Margaret what had happened.
I was holding Margaret's hand and telling her that Joan was strange at times and how much I loved her (Margaret not Joan) and she said that she felt that something was wrong. There is no easy to do this and I said as calmly as I could "Yes Darling something is wrong; Sue and Maggie are dead."
Margaret looked directly into my eyes and said "This is April Fools, tell me that it is April fools day."
I told her that it wasn't April fool day and this was nothing to fool about. I could never joke about people dying. Margaret asked me how it had happened and all I could say was "They were both Murdered and Howie had been too."
Margaret shrieked "Oh GOD no, not Sue and Maggie!"
The nurse came into the room and calmly said "I am so sorry, let me give you this" and administered the sedative.
The nurse and I each held one of Margaret's hands and the nurse expressed her sympathy and helped me calm her a little.
After about two minutes of tears Margaret asked what had happened and I told her what I have already told you. The nurse stayed with us and another nurse joined us and they both were very good at dealing with this kind of shock. Their presence helped me greatly also. In about fifteen minutes Margaret drifted off to sleep, the nurses left and I just stood there still holding her hand and feeling completely numb.
I put on the most positive mood that I could and stepped through the door into Margaret's room and the nurse waited outside the door. With a big smile I said "Good morning Love, how are you this morning?"
Margaret replied "I am fine but I just had the strangest phone call. Joan (Remember this name it is important) called and asked how I was and I told her that I was fine and asked how she was and she said "I'm fine but things are really mixed up in the neighborhood this morning" but she sounded like something was wrong and didn't talk long.
I thought that Joan knew what had happened and had been trying to find out if Margaret knew. I will always be grateful that she didn't say why the neighborhood was mixed up. As much as I hated it it was my place to tell Margaret what had happened.
I was holding Margaret's hand and telling her that Joan was strange at times and how much I loved her (Margaret not Joan) and she said that she felt that something was wrong. There is no easy to do this and I said as calmly as I could "Yes Darling something is wrong; Sue and Maggie are dead."
Margaret looked directly into my eyes and said "This is April Fools, tell me that it is April fools day."
I told her that it wasn't April fool day and this was nothing to fool about. I could never joke about people dying. Margaret asked me how it had happened and all I could say was "They were both Murdered and Howie had been too."
Margaret shrieked "Oh GOD no, not Sue and Maggie!"
The nurse came into the room and calmly said "I am so sorry, let me give you this" and administered the sedative.
The nurse and I each held one of Margaret's hands and the nurse expressed her sympathy and helped me calm her a little.
After about two minutes of tears Margaret asked what had happened and I told her what I have already told you. The nurse stayed with us and another nurse joined us and they both were very good at dealing with this kind of shock. Their presence helped me greatly also. In about fifteen minutes Margaret drifted off to sleep, the nurses left and I just stood there still holding her hand and feeling completely numb.
Friday, May 21, 2010
More about Saturday April 17, 2010
At 9:30 AM W. called and told me that the investigators wanted to talk to the boys. I asked them if they would be able to go back to he house and talk to the Sheriff and they both told me that they would. A short time later W called back and told me that the boys were in protective custody and were being taken to the Sheriff office and W would be going with them. This left me with only one thing to do. Figure out how to tell my wife that her Daughter and Granddaughter were no longer with us. "God; please don't make me do this." "I don't know how to tell Margaret the news in any kind or gentle way."
I grabbed a cup of cold coffee and drove the 17 miles to the hospital with my mind spinning with uncontrollable thoughts. When I got there I stopped at the nurses station and told them what had happened and that I had to tell Margaret about it. Margaret's nurse asked me to wait a minute and she got a sedative in case Margaret's reaction was to strong.
I grabbed a cup of cold coffee and drove the 17 miles to the hospital with my mind spinning with uncontrollable thoughts. When I got there I stopped at the nurses station and told them what had happened and that I had to tell Margaret about it. Margaret's nurse asked me to wait a minute and she got a sedative in case Margaret's reaction was to strong.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Emotional Hurricane
It has been one month to the day that it was discovered that my Daughter Sue, her finance Howie, and my Granddaughter Maggie had been murdered. Sue left three boys aged 7 through 13 and my wife of 25 years, Margaret had been in the hospital for over a month.
I have been forcing myself to step through process of grieving just so that I could get the necessary things done. I will describe this stepping process later because it may be of help to others. For the moment I will just say that I could go through the steps in about half an hour and bring myself back to a positive attitude.
Margaret got out of the hospital on Friday afternoon after over two months and I have been busy taking care of her, 10 year old B and son W (44). Since Margaret has been in bed for so long she requires a lot of care like changing dressings and therapy to strengthen her legs and to help her regain her balance. These things have kept me busy over the weekend.
This morning the "Storm Surge" of repressed grieving washed over me in a flood that literally washed me off my feet; although there were things to do I was unable to do them. I realized that the pressure was less as the important things were done and the numbness flooded my soul.
I finally really had the cry that I had needed for so long. This kind of a cry is cleansing and actually cleans undesirable chemicals out of the brain and they can be detected in the tears. What a wonderful thing GOD made when he created us!
I am now again able to see that the way that we face the day is a CHOICE and we can control our attitude and by remaining positive good can be rendered from all things.
God Bless You All,
John
I have been forcing myself to step through process of grieving just so that I could get the necessary things done. I will describe this stepping process later because it may be of help to others. For the moment I will just say that I could go through the steps in about half an hour and bring myself back to a positive attitude.
Margaret got out of the hospital on Friday afternoon after over two months and I have been busy taking care of her, 10 year old B and son W (44). Since Margaret has been in bed for so long she requires a lot of care like changing dressings and therapy to strengthen her legs and to help her regain her balance. These things have kept me busy over the weekend.
This morning the "Storm Surge" of repressed grieving washed over me in a flood that literally washed me off my feet; although there were things to do I was unable to do them. I realized that the pressure was less as the important things were done and the numbness flooded my soul.
I finally really had the cry that I had needed for so long. This kind of a cry is cleansing and actually cleans undesirable chemicals out of the brain and they can be detected in the tears. What a wonderful thing GOD made when he created us!
I am now again able to see that the way that we face the day is a CHOICE and we can control our attitude and by remaining positive good can be rendered from all things.
God Bless You All,
John
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Saturday morning continued
We were sitting on the edge of my bed, R Myself and B in one giant hug. I had my arms around both of them and was holding them tightly. No one said a word for about half an hour and I just let love flow over the boys while I silently prayed for guidance and strength.
Verse 24 of Psalm 118 came to my mind (it is a verse that has been very important to me for many years.) This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it. What it tells me that we need to focus on today and that we have a choice as to how we will face it. We can choose to be positive or negative in our approach to it and that will affect all of our reactions to what is taking place.
How do you choose to rejoice when you have just found out that your Daughter and Granddaughter have been Murdered? For the sake of the boys I had to be positive and loving. This is not what I wanted to do but I felt that they needed all the peace and love that they could get at this time. I continued to hold them and pray for peace and strength (this was not a time for understanding) so that I could be the rock that they needed even though I felt like Jello.
After about half an hour B asked if they could watch TV and I told them that they could and they went to the living room to watch cartoons. I continued to sit on the edge of the bed and allowed myself to go numb for a couple of minutes.
Verse 24 of Psalm 118 came to my mind (it is a verse that has been very important to me for many years.) This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it. What it tells me that we need to focus on today and that we have a choice as to how we will face it. We can choose to be positive or negative in our approach to it and that will affect all of our reactions to what is taking place.
How do you choose to rejoice when you have just found out that your Daughter and Granddaughter have been Murdered? For the sake of the boys I had to be positive and loving. This is not what I wanted to do but I felt that they needed all the peace and love that they could get at this time. I continued to hold them and pray for peace and strength (this was not a time for understanding) so that I could be the rock that they needed even though I felt like Jello.
After about half an hour B asked if they could watch TV and I told them that they could and they went to the living room to watch cartoons. I continued to sit on the edge of the bed and allowed myself to go numb for a couple of minutes.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Sleepless night
As I tell the story I will also include my thoughts as they occur. It is 4:30 AM Eastern time and I have been laying in bed unable to sleep since midnight. My mind is churning and most of the thoughts are senseless.
My wife M is getting out of the hospital after 7 weeks and I have some major housekeeping to do. B and I spent nineteen days as guests of the hospital so that we could be there for M. Everyone there was wonderful to us and made our stay as pleasant as possible but that is not the same as being home.
M went for treatments for 3 hours Monday through Friday and B and I would run around trying to make arrangements. We were driving 40 miles each way which only gave us an hour to get things done each trip. I was also taking B to school and picking him up every day.
I guess that my mind has been going over what I have done and what I feel that I should have done. Through all of this the Lord has been good to all of us and given us the strength that we have needed. I hope that as we go on you will be able to see some of the things HE has done.
More later,
John
My wife M is getting out of the hospital after 7 weeks and I have some major housekeeping to do. B and I spent nineteen days as guests of the hospital so that we could be there for M. Everyone there was wonderful to us and made our stay as pleasant as possible but that is not the same as being home.
M went for treatments for 3 hours Monday through Friday and B and I would run around trying to make arrangements. We were driving 40 miles each way which only gave us an hour to get things done each trip. I was also taking B to school and picking him up every day.
I guess that my mind has been going over what I have done and what I feel that I should have done. Through all of this the Lord has been good to all of us and given us the strength that we have needed. I hope that as we go on you will be able to see some of the things HE has done.
More later,
John
Monday, May 10, 2010
Saturday
I was awakened by frantic banging on the back door and little voices yelling "PAPA PAPA!!" I got the door open to see two of my grandsons standing there, sobbing with tears running down their cheeks. "Mommy and Maggie are DEAD and Howie too" they choked out.
How can you react to something like this? I could feel that it was true and an icy chill ran down my spine as I tried to calm the boys and get them into the house.
My step son W, Sue's brother, got up and ran down to Sue's house as I tried to calm the boys. In about 5 minutes W called and said that it was true and I called 911 to report the homicide. The two boys, B aged 10 and R aged 7 had started to
calm a little and B told me that he had gone to the bathroom and seen the bodies lying in the kitchen and that he thought that they were dead. R said that he had seen them too.
It was now about ten to eight and the boys had turned on the TV in the living room. I can't begin to tell you about the turmoil going on in my head at this time. Sue was 41 and her fiancé Howie was a couple of years older. Maggie was 15 and had a whole life ahead of her. She had been going through some of the teenage girl things but in the last month she had been doing well and was bringing up her marks in school.
More later,
John
How can you react to something like this? I could feel that it was true and an icy chill ran down my spine as I tried to calm the boys and get them into the house.
My step son W, Sue's brother, got up and ran down to Sue's house as I tried to calm the boys. In about 5 minutes W called and said that it was true and I called 911 to report the homicide. The two boys, B aged 10 and R aged 7 had started to
calm a little and B told me that he had gone to the bathroom and seen the bodies lying in the kitchen and that he thought that they were dead. R said that he had seen them too.
It was now about ten to eight and the boys had turned on the TV in the living room. I can't begin to tell you about the turmoil going on in my head at this time. Sue was 41 and her fiancé Howie was a couple of years older. Maggie was 15 and had a whole life ahead of her. She had been going through some of the teenage girl things but in the last month she had been doing well and was bringing up her marks in school.
More later,
John
Friday, May 7, 2010
Let us rejoyce and be glad in it !!
It is ten thirty in the evening and it is three weeks to the minute since my Daughter Suzanne, her Finance Howie, and my Grand Daughter Maggie were murdered in their home.
I am writing this for two reasons. The first is to help myself organize my thoughts and my feelings. The second is so that people who are survivors of violent crime may have hope that there is life afterward and see that it is possible to use tragedy as a means of healing and growth.
As this blog develops I will introduce you to the other survivors and we will all share our thoughts with those of you who are interested. I welcome your comments and e-mails and will answer all as I have time. If anything that I have to say is helpful to you in any way, please let me know.
For tonight I will say that the out pouring of love and prayers has been overwhelming. I have met others who have been through similar events and their sharing their thoughts with me has helped me understand what I have been going through and my thoughts and words have seemed to help others in their quest for peace and understanding.
I will continue in the morning with the discovery of the bodies and begin to tell you about an emotional roller coaster ride beyond belief.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and God bless you all,
John
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