The most difficult thing that I have ever done

I really don't remember the forty minute drive to the hospital; my only thoughts had been about what I had to do now.  How do you tell a woman that she had just lost her oldest daughter and only granddaughter to senseless violence.  Not only was Margaret a woman, mother and grandmother she was also my wife, best friend, my only love and my soul-mate.

I put on the most positive mood that I could and stepped through the door into  Margaret's room and the nurse waited outside the door.  With a big smile I said "Good morning Love, how are you this morning?"

Margaret replied "I am fine but I just had the strangest phone call.  Joan (Remember this name it is important) called and asked how I was and I told her that I was fine and asked how she was and she said "I'm fine but things are really mixed up in the neighborhood this morning" but she sounded like something was wrong and didn't talk long.

I thought that Joan knew what had happened and had been trying to find out if Margaret knew.  I will always be grateful that she didn't say why the neighborhood was mixed up.  As much as I hated it it was my place to tell Margaret what had happened.

I was holding Margaret's hand and telling her that Joan was strange at times and how much I loved her (Margaret not Joan) and she said that she felt that something was wrong.  There is no easy to do this and I said as calmly as I could "Yes Darling something is wrong; Sue and Maggie are dead."

Margaret looked directly into my eyes and said "This is April Fools, tell me that it is April fools day."

I told her that it wasn't April fool day and this was nothing to fool about.  I could never joke about people dying.  Margaret asked me how it had happened and all I could say was "They were both Murdered and Howie had been too."

Margaret shrieked "Oh GOD no, not Sue and Maggie!"
The nurse came into the room and calmly said "I am so sorry, let me give you this" and administered the sedative.

The nurse and I each held one of Margaret's hands and the nurse expressed her sympathy and helped me calm her a little.

After about two minutes of tears Margaret asked what had happened and I told her what I have already told you.  The nurse stayed with us and another nurse joined us and they both were very good at dealing with this kind of shock.  Their presence helped me greatly also.  In about fifteen minutes Margaret drifted off to sleep, the nurses left and I just stood there still holding her hand and feeling completely numb.

More about Saturday April 17, 2010

At 9:30 AM W. called and told me that the investigators wanted to talk to the boys.  I asked them if they would be able to go back to he house and talk to the Sheriff and they both told me that they would.  A short time later W called back and told me that the boys were in protective custody and were being taken to the Sheriff office and W would be going with them.  This left me with only one thing to do.  Figure out how to tell my wife that her Daughter and Granddaughter were no longer with us.  "God; please don't make me do this."  "I don't know how to tell Margaret the news in any kind or gentle way."

I grabbed a cup of cold coffee and drove the 17 miles to the hospital with my mind spinning with uncontrollable thoughts.  When I got there I stopped at the nurses station and told them what had happened and that I had to tell Margaret about it.  Margaret's nurse asked me to wait a minute and she got a sedative in case Margaret's reaction was to strong.

Emotional Hurricane

It has been one month to the day that it was discovered that my Daughter Sue, her finance Howie, and my Granddaughter Maggie had been murdered.  Sue left three boys aged 7 through 13 and my wife of 25 years, Margaret had been in the hospital for over a month.

I have been forcing myself to step through process of grieving just so that I could get the necessary things done.  I will describe this stepping process later because it may be of help to others.  For the moment I will just say that I could go through the steps in about half an hour and bring myself back to a positive attitude.

Margaret got out of the hospital on Friday afternoon after over two months and I have been busy taking care of her, 10 year old B and son W (44).  Since Margaret has been in bed for so long she requires a lot of care like changing dressings and therapy to strengthen her legs and to help her regain her balance.  These things have kept me busy over the weekend.

This morning the "Storm Surge" of repressed grieving washed over me in a flood that literally washed me off my feet; although there were things to do I was unable to do them.  I realized that the pressure was less as the important things were done and the numbness flooded my soul.

I finally really had the cry that I had needed for so long.  This kind of a cry is cleansing and actually cleans undesirable chemicals out of the brain and they can be detected in the tears.  What a wonderful thing GOD made when he created us!

I am now again able to see that the way that we face the day is a CHOICE and we can control our attitude and by remaining positive good can be rendered from all things.

God Bless You All,
John

Saturday morning continued

We were sitting on the edge of my bed, R  Myself and B in one giant hug.  I had my arms around both of them and was holding them tightly.  No one said a word for about half an hour and I just let love flow over the boys while I silently prayed for guidance and strength.

Verse 24 of Psalm 118 came to my mind (it is a verse that has been very important to me for many years.)  This is the day the Lord has made.  Let us rejoice and be glad in it.  What it tells me that we need to focus on today and that we have a choice as to how we will face it.  We can choose to be positive or negative in our approach to it and that will affect all of our reactions to what is taking place. 

How do you choose to rejoice when you have just found out that your Daughter and Granddaughter have been Murdered?  For the sake of the boys I had to be positive and loving.  This is not what I wanted to do but I felt that they needed all the peace and love that they could get at this time.  I continued to hold them and pray for peace and strength (this was not a time for understanding) so that I could be the rock that they needed even though I felt like Jello.

After about half an hour B asked if they could watch TV and I told them that they  could and they went to the living room to watch cartoons.  I continued to sit on the edge of the bed and allowed myself to go numb for a couple of minutes.

Sleepless night

As I tell the story I will also include my thoughts as they occur.  It is 4:30 AM Eastern time and I have been laying in bed unable to sleep since midnight.  My mind is churning and most of the thoughts are senseless.

My wife M is getting out of the hospital after 7 weeks and I have some major housekeeping to do.  B and I spent nineteen days as guests of the hospital so that we could be there for M.  Everyone there was wonderful to us and made our stay as pleasant as possible but that is not the same as being home.

M went for treatments for 3 hours Monday through Friday and B and I would run around trying to make arrangements.  We were driving 40 miles each way which only gave us an hour to get things done each trip.  I was also taking B to school and picking him up every day.


I guess that my mind has been going over what I have done and what I feel that I should have done.  Through all of this the Lord has been good to all of us and given us the strength that we have needed.  I hope that as we go on you will be able to see some of the things HE has done.

More later,
John

Saturday

I was awakened by frantic banging on the back door and little voices yelling "PAPA  PAPA!!"  I got the door open to see two of my grandsons standing there, sobbing with tears running down their cheeks.  "Mommy and Maggie are DEAD and Howie too" they choked out.


How can you react to something like this?  I could feel that it was true and  an icy chill ran down my spine as I tried to calm the boys and get them into the house.


My step son W, Sue's brother, got up and ran down to Sue's house as I tried to calm the boys.  In about 5 minutes W called and said that it was true and I called 911 to report the homicide.  The two boys, B aged 10 and R aged 7 had started to
calm a little and B told me that he had gone to the bathroom and seen the bodies lying in the kitchen and that he thought that they were dead.  R said that he had seen them too.

It was now about ten to eight and the boys had turned on the TV in the living room.  I can't begin to tell you about the turmoil going on in my head at this time.  Sue was 41 and her fiancé Howie was a couple of years older.  Maggie was 15 and had a whole life ahead of her.  She had been going through some of the teenage girl things but in the last month she had been doing well and was bringing up her marks in school.

More later,
John

Let us rejoyce and be glad in it !!

It is ten thirty in the evening and it is three weeks to the minute since my Daughter Suzanne, her Finance Howie, and my Grand Daughter Maggie were murdered in their home.

I am writing this for two reasons. The first is to help myself organize my thoughts and my feelings. The second is so that people who are survivors of violent crime may have hope that there is life afterward and see that it is possible to use tragedy as a means of healing and growth.

As this blog develops I will introduce you to the other survivors and we will all share our thoughts with those of you who are interested. I welcome your comments and e-mails and will answer all as I have time. If anything that I have to say is helpful to you in any way, please let me know.

For tonight I will say that the out pouring of love and prayers has been overwhelming. I have met others who have been through similar events and their sharing their thoughts with me has helped me understand what I have been going through and my thoughts and words have seemed to help others in their quest for peace and understanding.

I will continue in the morning with the discovery of the bodies and begin to tell you about an emotional roller coaster ride beyond belief.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and God bless you all,

John