On Friday DSS brought Billy out to the house for a visit. his caseworker and the Guardian Ad Litem were also there and had a lot of questions for me. Billy spent most of the time with his Uncle Wayne so that we could talk.
I can't draw any conclusions from the conversation but I have a positive feeling at this point.
Margret is doing well now and has been upgraded from critical to fair condition. She is looking good and is rational. I no longer have fears about her recovery. It is just something that can't be rushed.
I have been so busy and confused with everything that has been happening that I have almost forgotten about grieving. I have just realized that I am no longer numb and I don't feel guilty about what has happened. I have done the best that I have been able to do an I am not responsible for the events leading to our situation in any way.
That alone is a great step forward and I am sleeping better and no longer feel exhausted.
With Love and Blsessings to All,
John
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Confusion
When something life changing happens we often think that things come in threes whether they be good or bad. There is nothing wrong with this thinking but sometimes it gets in the way of rational thought.
on Wednesday evening Margaret took a turn for the worse and I called the ambulance. It was determined that she had a systemic infection (the cause is still unknown) that was shutting down her kidneys and her potassium level was dangerously high. She was placed on Life support and placed in the Medical ICU.
She is doing well now although it was touch and go for a while.
This is where rational thought is needed.
1. The murders were the factor that caused the real emotional confusion.
2. Margaret had been ill since before Christmas.
3. The loss of her leg had nothing to do with the murders.
4. The recent crisis had nothing to do with the murders.
It is so easy to get caught up in the speed that things happen that we can loose sight of the fact that each thing is a thing unto itself and not connected to any other thing that is going on. Yes things happen but there is seldom a connection between them.
Grief is the strongest of the emotions and may be the most crippling if not worked through. It is so easy to get stuck on the anger / guilt stage and to have to live with it the rest of your life.
We need to understand the stages (I have mentioned them before) of grief and to take them as they occur. You may not be out of one stage when the next stage starts so you need to be able to see the transition starting.
If we remember that things are not always connected and separate the emotions that they cause it will not be so confusing or overwhelming.
Love to all,
John
on Wednesday evening Margaret took a turn for the worse and I called the ambulance. It was determined that she had a systemic infection (the cause is still unknown) that was shutting down her kidneys and her potassium level was dangerously high. She was placed on Life support and placed in the Medical ICU.
She is doing well now although it was touch and go for a while.
This is where rational thought is needed.
1. The murders were the factor that caused the real emotional confusion.
2. Margaret had been ill since before Christmas.
3. The loss of her leg had nothing to do with the murders.
4. The recent crisis had nothing to do with the murders.
It is so easy to get caught up in the speed that things happen that we can loose sight of the fact that each thing is a thing unto itself and not connected to any other thing that is going on. Yes things happen but there is seldom a connection between them.
Grief is the strongest of the emotions and may be the most crippling if not worked through. It is so easy to get stuck on the anger / guilt stage and to have to live with it the rest of your life.
We need to understand the stages (I have mentioned them before) of grief and to take them as they occur. You may not be out of one stage when the next stage starts so you need to be able to see the transition starting.
If we remember that things are not always connected and separate the emotions that they cause it will not be so confusing or overwhelming.
Love to all,
John
Thursday, July 22, 2010
April 18, 2010
Sunday morning and I woke up in Margaret's room in the hospital. Billy had slept on the second bed and I had slept on the padded window sill (six feet long.) It took a few minutes to realize that it was real and part of our family had been murdered.
The hospital provided Billy and I meals and everyone was very good to us. The story had been on the news and the day was taken up with visits from Church members and teachers from Billy and Ryan's school. Laurie, Joey, their two girls, Frankie and Ryan also came to visit so the day was very full and we didn't have time to think. By the time everyone had left we were exhausted. Since Billy had to go to school the next day, we were all in bed by 10:00 PM
I didn't know then that I would not sleep as well as I had the night before.
Love and Blessing to all,
John
The hospital provided Billy and I meals and everyone was very good to us. The story had been on the news and the day was taken up with visits from Church members and teachers from Billy and Ryan's school. Laurie, Joey, their two girls, Frankie and Ryan also came to visit so the day was very full and we didn't have time to think. By the time everyone had left we were exhausted. Since Billy had to go to school the next day, we were all in bed by 10:00 PM
I didn't know then that I would not sleep as well as I had the night before.
Love and Blessing to all,
John
Saturday, July 17, 2010
The First Day
The After telling Margaret what had happened I spent most of the day trying to console her and contacting friends. A detective from the Sheriffs department came and talked to Margaret and I and we told him what little we knew or suspected.
The Department of Social Services (DSS) called and told us that the Grandchildren would be placed with their Aunt and Uncle since the killer was unknown at that time.
The hospital administration told me that I should stay with Margaret as long as necessary and that they would provide me with meals.
At five PM DSS called and asked me to meet them with Aunt Laurie and Uncle Joey.
Billy and Ryan were brought to the meeting place (Frankie was already with Laurie and Joey). After a couple of hours we were allowed to leave and Billy asked if he could stay with Margaret and I. Laurie and Joey had no objections so we all went back to the hospital to see Margaret. When they left, Billy stayed with us.
I had been so busy that I had little time to grieve and I was so tired that sleep came easily.
That was the last good nights sleep that I was to have for some time.
Love and Blessings to all,
John
The Department of Social Services (DSS) called and told us that the Grandchildren would be placed with their Aunt and Uncle since the killer was unknown at that time.
The hospital administration told me that I should stay with Margaret as long as necessary and that they would provide me with meals.
At five PM DSS called and asked me to meet them with Aunt Laurie and Uncle Joey.
Billy and Ryan were brought to the meeting place (Frankie was already with Laurie and Joey). After a couple of hours we were allowed to leave and Billy asked if he could stay with Margaret and I. Laurie and Joey had no objections so we all went back to the hospital to see Margaret. When they left, Billy stayed with us.
I had been so busy that I had little time to grieve and I was so tired that sleep came easily.
That was the last good nights sleep that I was to have for some time.
Love and Blessings to all,
John
Friday, July 9, 2010
Quickly going through the steps of Grief
On May 17 I said that I could step through the grieving process so that I could be useful to myself and others. It is just a matter of realizing that there are four steps and then going through them one at a time. It does take practice to do it rapidly. This is the way that I do it.
1. The shock and denial stage is overcome by forcing yourself to say that this has happened and I have to accept it so that I can accomplish the things that must be done. I can come back later and think about events that have occurred.
2. Anger and questioning is set aside by telling yourself that you don't have time right now to to get angry and that it will accomplish nothing so I will save it for later. I have no time for what if I had done this since right now I HAVE to do this.
3. Depression is something that I have no time for since important things have to be done now. These things have to be done by me since they are my responsibility.
4. I have to accept the reality since I know in my heart that it is true and these things have to be done and arrangements have to be made.
At this point You will be able to operate on a functional level as long as you have things to do. When you have idol time you will find yourself slipping back to stage one.
The more often that you do this the easier it gets and it shortens the grief process a great deal.
An important point that I want to make here is that sharing your feelings with others is a great help since at first we each feel that we are totally alone with our grief. It is amazing just how many people you will meet who have had or are going through something similar. Many of them will tell you that your sharing has helped them with issues that they have been unable to resolve.
Love and Strength to all,
John
1. The shock and denial stage is overcome by forcing yourself to say that this has happened and I have to accept it so that I can accomplish the things that must be done. I can come back later and think about events that have occurred.
2. Anger and questioning is set aside by telling yourself that you don't have time right now to to get angry and that it will accomplish nothing so I will save it for later. I have no time for what if I had done this since right now I HAVE to do this.
3. Depression is something that I have no time for since important things have to be done now. These things have to be done by me since they are my responsibility.
4. I have to accept the reality since I know in my heart that it is true and these things have to be done and arrangements have to be made.
At this point You will be able to operate on a functional level as long as you have things to do. When you have idol time you will find yourself slipping back to stage one.
The more often that you do this the easier it gets and it shortens the grief process a great deal.
An important point that I want to make here is that sharing your feelings with others is a great help since at first we each feel that we are totally alone with our grief. It is amazing just how many people you will meet who have had or are going through something similar. Many of them will tell you that your sharing has helped them with issues that they have been unable to resolve.
Love and Strength to all,
John
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